This is where you will find funny quotes…Like

“To do is to be” -Plato
“To be is to do” -Socrates
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra

We have done our best to give the proper attribution to all who have come up with these words of wisdom.


“A dog will lick his butt but won’t eat a pickle.” Unknown

“Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot.” – Jim Rohn

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, then success is sure.” – Mark Twain

“Every takeoff is optional; every landing is mandatory” – Unknown

“The only difference between a flower and a weed is judgment.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

“At my age flowers scare me.” – George Burns

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.” – George Burns

“I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.” – George Burns

“If you’re going to get into trouble, be the leader” – Unknown

“You can popcorn but you can’t peanuts” – Unknown

“The people of Afghanistan don’t like the Flintstones but the residents of Abu Dhabi do.” – Jethro

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving isn’t for you.” – Unknown

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” – Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

“Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.” – Groucho Marx

“Sometimes I like to take a hammer and hit myself in the forehead over and over again…Because I know when I stop it’s going to feel so good.” – Unknown

“If you break your legs doing that, don’t come running to me.” – Unknown (A mother)

“Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their ground.” – Unknown

“Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.” Carl Sandburg

“Some people follow their dreams while others hunt them down and beat them mercilessly into submission.” – Unknown

“Mistakes – It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.” – Unknown

“Some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants won’t help.” – Calvin and Hobbes

“Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.” – Unknown

“I wonder why we think faster than we can speak.” (Calvin)
“Probably so we can think twice.” (Hobbes)

“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.” – Unknown

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”- Unknown

“Smile – It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.”- Unknown

“To do is to be” -Plato
“To be is to do” -Socrates
“Do be do be do” –Sinatra – Unknown

“Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you.” – Unknown

“There is nothing to fear but beer itself.” – Unknown

“A good friend will bail you out of jail while a best friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Man that was awesome.” – Unknown

“Some mistakes are too fun to only make once” – Unknown

“I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.” – Unknown

“The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Unknown

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch

“Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.” – H.G. Wells

“There are times when two people need to step apart from one another, but there is no rule that says they have to turn and fire.” – Robert Brault

“If you’re going to be a bear, be a grizzly!” – Cannonball Run

“When life gives you lemons, get creative, use a potato gun.” – Ashley Lyons

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women” – Groucho Marx

“I feel like a clone, I’m beside myself.”  – Unknown

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

“Nothing succeeds like a budgie (parakeet) without teeth.” – Benny Hill

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” Herm Albright

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.” – Douglas Adams

“Talent and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee” – Unknown

“Worrying is like a rocking chair, gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.” – Unknown

“That’s what big looks like buddy.” – Unknown

“In the dark, all cats are gray.” -Ben Franklin (on aging)

“If you think you have things under control then you’re going to slow!” – Unknown

“Lead, follow, or get out of the way.” – Thomas Paine

“I get up every morning determined both to change the world and to have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning the day difficult.” – E.B. White

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

“Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” – Unknown

“Don’t take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – John Kenneth Galbraith

“Is it supposed to be that color?” – Unknown

“If at first you don’t succeed, try a little Vaseline and a bigger hammer.” – Unknown

“I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.” – Jonathan Winters

“Are you going to have a great day… or do you have other plans?” – Unknown

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.” – Orson Welles

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin / Jane Wagner

“It is better to be thought of a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” – Unknown

“Rub some dirt on it and get back in the game!” – Unknown

“I am marrying your ex-wife and you won’t have to pay alimony anymore.” – Unknown

“Sacred cows make the best hamburger.” – Mark Twain

“Drive it like you stole it.” – Unknown

“Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ’Oh Crap, She’s up!’” – Unknown

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.” – Unknown

“Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding this limit.” – Elbert Hubbard

“Minds are like parachutes, they only operate when open.” – Thomas Dewar

“There is nothing like ignorance in motion.” – Thomas F. Driver

“Always keep several get well cards on the mantle. So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you’ve been sick and unable to clean.” – Maxine

“The elevator for success is out of order please take the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

“Silence is golden but duct tape is silver” – Unknown

“They can kill us, but they can’t eat us…That’s illegal.” – Audie Murphey

“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.” – Dads from around the World

“Don’t worry about the horse being blind–get the wagon loaded.” – John Madden

“Your lack of planning is not my emergency.” – Unknown

“Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors – and miss.” – Robert A. Heinlein

“Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.” – Unknown

“Those not fired with enthusiasm will be fired with enthusiasm!” – Vince Lombardi

“If you’re being run out of town, get out front and make it look like a parade.” – Unknown

“If no one is dead it is correctable.” – Unknown

“If a bear wants a fish, he has to get his ass wet.” – Unknown

“Try to be the person your dog thinks you are.” – Unknown

“The future ain’t what is use to be.” – Yogi Berra

“Never push your Granny when she is shaving.” – Unknown

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?” – Steven Wright

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone” – Reba McIntyre

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!” – Unknown

“Opportunity doesn’t go away it just goes to someone else.” – Unknown

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, proclaiming ‘Wow-What A Ride!” – Peter Sage

“Never argue with a fool, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with their experience.” Unknown

“Knowledge is knowing that a Tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is knowing not to serve it with Ice Cream.” – Unknown

“98% of Americans scream before going in the ditch on a slippery road, the other 2% are from Colorado and they say; ‘Hold my soda and watch this’.” – Unknown

“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures'” – Robin Williams

“If A = success in life, then A = X + Y + Z / X = work; Y = play; Z = keeping your mouth shut.” Albert Einstein

“The only difference between this place and the Titanic is they had a band.” – Unknown

“Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday” – Unknown

“The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.” – Martina Navratilova

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” – Louis Hector Berlioz

“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” – Ogden Nash

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” – George Carlin

“Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off!” – Art Linkletter’s kids say the darnedest things

“If I can look up, I can get up and as long as I don’t wake up with a chalk mark around my body, I know it’s going to be a great day!” – Les Brown

“Resisting change is like holding your breath, if you succeed you die.” – T. Hathaway

“Like a midget at a urinal, I knew I would have to be on my toes!” – Leslie Nielsen (Naked Gun)

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist” – George Carlin

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?” – George Carlin

“The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election” – George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

“Don’t be so humble, you’re not that great” – Golda Meir

“Niche-slap the competition.” – Chris Forbes

“If your pants are aflame, being a liar is not your top priority.” – Unknown

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” – Lily Tomlin

“How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?  Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.” –  Abraham Lincoln

General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. The General said, “I believe that forgiving them is God’s function …. OUR job is to arrange the meeting.”

“A Diplomat is a person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.” – Caskie Stinnett

“Don’t take life too seriously…. Nobody makes it out alive anyway!” – Unknown

“Unless you are the lead dog… the view never changes.” – Unknown

“When your gecko is broken, you have a reptile dysfunction.”- Unknown